Brandon Beane robs local Cleveland bank
Yesterday, Brandon Beane pulled off his boldest move yet as the Buffalo Bills general manager. For months, he had been devising a plan to steal a draft pick from the Cleveland Browns. He heard the Browns scattered their many selections around Cleveland in the vaults of local banks. Beane wanted to break into one to see if the Bills could get their hands on a draft pick.
He knew he couldn't pull off the heist alone. He recruited some players including Tyrod Taylor, Richie Incognito, Kelvin Benjamin, and Nathan Peterman. Nick O'Leary was also asked to come but they decided not to take him because they were afraid he would leave his fingerprints behind due to his refusal to wear gloves.
They headed west to Cleveland on I-90 in a old, beat-up black van in the middle of the night under the cover of darkness. Beane was driving, Incognito rode shotgun, and Benjamin, Taylor, and Peterman were in the back rehearsing the plan one last time. When they arrived in Cleveland at Citizens Bank on Superior Avenue, Beane dropped the four men off, and they immediately took action.
Incognito thrust his body through the front door of the bank like he was the Kool-Aid guy, shattering the glass into millions of pieces. Kelvin Benjamin followed inside using his height and jumping ability to cover the cameras with black spray-paint so the bank couldn't video the robbery. Tyrod Taylor ran in next, using his speed and athleticism to get to the vault as soon as possible. Nathan Peterman trailed behind on the way to the vault so he could assist Tyrod. Beane remained outside in the getaway car ready to pull around the corner to pick up the men once their task was accomplished.
When Tyrod arrived at the vault, he cracked it open using the code "1-2-3-BYE-SASHI", that Beane gave him. When the door to the vault swung open, Taylor could see what they came for lying right in front of him in a plain-looking brown bag labeled "Browns".
He quickly snatched the bag and tossed it to Peterman who was waiting outside the vault. Tyrod looked around to see if there were any other picks lying around, but the one bag was all he could see. When he looked up he saw that Peterman had a wicked smile on his face and he immediately became concerned.
Taylor said, "Nathan, what's wrong?"
Peterman replied, "Nothing, anymore!"
Peterman threw the original copy of Tyrod's contract into the vault and slammed the door shut sealing both Tyrod and his contract inside. He rushed back to the rest of the guys with the loot in hand. They ran out the door and piled into the getaway car.
Beane noticed they were one man light and said "Where is Tyrod?"
An evil smirk came across Peterman's face as he replied sharply, "Collateral damage. He is property of the Browns now."
Beane thought to himself for a moment. He concluded that this was an even better outcome than his original plan of just stealing a pick.
Beane said, "Nathan open up the bag, let's see what we got."
As Peterman peered inside the bag, his eyes lit up with joy. He told the rest of the gang that they got the Browns first pick of the 3rd round this year at #65 overall. The men all smiled and nodded their heads at one another without saying another word as they headed east to Buffalo on I-90 still under the cover of darkness.
Their heist wasn't quite as impressive as Ocean's Eleven, but they couldn't help but feel ecstatic about the way their mission had turned out. Sure, some of them would miss their friend Tyrod Taylor but they knew deep down that freeing up $10 million in cap space while gaining a high draft pick was the best thing for the future of the Buffalo Bills.