Dan Carpenter Dragged Out of Buffalo Kicking and Screaming
The Buffalo Bills cut five players since yesterday including Nickell Robey-Coleman, Garrison Sanborn, Gerald Christian, Phillip Thomas and Dan Carpenter in order to free up salary cap space for free agency.
Completely fabricated reports by me indicate that Dan Carpenter would not leave Buffalo peacefully and was seen kicking and screaming on the way out. Luckily the accuracy of Carpenter's kicking has been way off recently so no one was hurt. In fact, Carpenter can be seen here shoveling through the snow looking to find his accuracy again.
The release of Carpenter will save the Bills over $2.4 million against the salary cap and will save Bills fans from countless moments of angst and insecurity on every extra point attempt.
General manager Doug Whaley broke the news to Carpenter in his office when he said "We're going in a different direction. A direction that might take the ball through the uprights rather than off of them or wide of them. Please leave my office and don't let your own helmet hit you in the face on the way out."
With Carpenter's struggles at extra points recently he may not find a landing spot with another team. Luckily for him, he always has a backup career as a Kid Rock impersonator.
Carpenter set himself back when he cut his hair after six years. This may have compromised his chances of being a Kid Rock impersonator in the immediate term. The good news for him is if it takes six years to grow his hair back and if he can't find a job in the meanwhile, he may end up looking even more similar to Kid Rock than he currently does.