Ever since Brandon Beane took the job with the Buffalo Bills in May last year, he's had one desire buried deep within his loins. He's aware that the Bills need a franchise quarterback for the sustained success he so desperately yearns for. His lust for a quarterback cannot be cured until he faces one of the most difficult tasks of his life -- The climb up Mount Draftpicks where he will try to ascend as close as he can to the top of the 2018 NFL Draft hoping to choose the franchise quarterback of his dreams.
It all began last season. Beane knew he was going to take this treacherous journey, and so he traded stars like Sammy Watkins, Marcell Dareus and Ronald Darby to gather up additional draft assets which he could use to barter with the local elder tribesman that he encountered on his trip up the mountain.
Beane slipped out of One Bills Drive shortly after the season ended and headed straight for the mountains. He knew it would be a long trek, with many obstacles in the way, but he was well prepared for this journey with his supply kit of beef on weck, wings from Anchor Bar with suicidal sauce and various brews from the Buffalo Brewing Company. He began his ascent up the mountain slowly, knowing he would need to conserve energy and resources.
He first stopped at a local mountain village where he sat down with the village elder John Dorsey in order to see if they had anything of value. Dorsey wanted to get right down to business but Beane kindly offered him a beer from his supply kit. Dorsey accepted and remarked at how refreshing it tasted. Beane slyly decided to prolong the negotiations while continuing to lube up Dorsey with more brew. When he noticed Dorsey stumble on the way back from the bathroom, he knew it was time to strike.
Beane got Dorsey so drunk, he was able to rob him blind in the trade. He brokered a deal to shed the weight of Tyrod Taylor and his contract in exchange for Cleveland's No. 65 overall pick which he knew would be a considerable asset to have on his journey towards the top. Feeling good about the deal, the Bills general manager excused himself and retired to bed.
Dorsey was still sound asleep when Beane crept out of the village in the wee hours of the morning under the cover of darkness with his new draft pick in hand. The Cleveland general manager woke up late the next morning in a haze with a pounding headache. When he recalled the trade he made with Beane the night before, he couldn't help but be disappointed in himself. He knew he had been swindled and cursed Beane's name at the top of his lungs.
Meanwhile, Beane was in such high spirits that he covered the distance to the next stopping point very quickly. Once again he was invited in by the local villagers and was asked to sit down with their elders Marvin Lewis and Mike Brown. Beane offered each of them a beer like he had done with Dorsey but rumors of his trickery had spread throughout the mountain and so they declined. He moved to plan B by offering them each some of the suicidal wings he brought from the Anchor Bar.
Lewis and Brown were both starving and accepted the generous offer. As they each sunk their teeth into the wings, their mouths erupted with a burning sensation like they had never felt before. They begged Beane for the beers they just declined and he happily handed them some. They slugged beer after beer trying to cool their mouths. Finally, after about six beers each, the pain had numbed to a point where they were capable of restarting the negotiations. It was time for Beane to work his magic once again.
Beane packaged Cordy Glenn and the Bills No. 21 pick for the Bengals No. 12 pick (as well as a late round pick exchange) shooting the Bills up Mount Draftpicks even higher in the first round. The next morning Beane awoke to hear explosive sounds and shrieks in the village coming from the private bathrooms of Lewis and Brown. He knew that was his cue to leave and so he set off once again despite feeling the affects of the altitude being this high up in the draft.
As Beane carried on the trail he mapped out, he began to feel the ground tremble ever so slightly. He was concerned but there was nothing he could do but plod on. As he moved forward, the trembles grew louder and more forceful. He sensed an evil presence lurking and took cover to see if it would pass.
As he crouched down, he looked up to see a fleet of the New York Jets' planes near the peak of Mount Draftpicks. They had caught wind of Beane's journey to the top and they were determined to undermine his plan. The planes buzzed close to the mountain allowing their general manager Mike Maccagnan to parachute near the top where he struck a deal for the No. 3 overall spot with village elder Chris Ballard of the Indianapolis Colts. The force from the Jets' planes caused rocks to tumble down the mountain in an avalanche. This put a colossal road block in Beane's way by taking away a potential trading partner at the top of the mountain where draft picks are extremely scarce.
Beane is currently taking shelter on the mountain. He's been spotted tossing back several beers while gorging on wings and beef on weck as he weighs his options to continue on his path towards the peak. It's also possible he could conclude the conditions for the climb are too difficult this year and will attempt the trek another year.
The Jets put a wedge in the Bills plans for the draft, but the good news is Brandon Beane has more than enough resources and creativity to work his way to the top of the mountain as long as he has willing trade partners. He might pay a higher price than he would like, but something tells me he will get to the right spot on Mount Draftpicks to find the Bills the quarterback that he thinks is the best for the future of the team.