Junkie Sean McDermott Stays Up All Night Eating Raisin Bran

On the John Murphy Show, Buffalo Bills head coach and cereal junkie Sean McDermott couldn't sleep so he stayed up eating Raisin Bran after the first round of the 2017 NFL Draft. With reckless behavior like that I felt the need to do a completely fake investigation into his past to see what other nefarious acts this man has been involved in. You won't believe some of the things I found...

When I asked him when was the last time he got high, he said "Never! Unless you count that one time my buddy laced my Raisin Bran with sugar. I was on a sugar high for weeks. It was wild!"

He admitted that once he spent an entire night in a strip club. He wasn't getting lap dances though but rather helping all the women talk through their daddy issues.

He once drank a caffeinated soda after 6 p.m. He wasn't able to sleep for a month.

He once tried to join a gang but was denied. The name of the gang? The "OneManGang" that is Lorenzo Alexander. When Alexander was asked for a comment he said "I don't think coach understands the concept of a "one-man gang".

I found out that McDermott didn't actually walk onto his college football team. He ran on.

The most interesting and concerning nugget of information that I learned was when I asked him why he always uses the word "methodical". He said "I guess I learned that back when I was a serial kill...I mean when I was killing cereal in a methodical way one night. Did I mention I love Raisin Bran? Next question!"

After doing this thoroughly fake investigation I am no longer certain this man is fit to be head coach and the one voice of the Buffalo Bills. When asked for further comment on this story Sean McDermott, the most interesting man in the NFL, said, "I don't always eat cereal but when I do, it's Raisin Bran".