2017 Mock Draft from your Favorite Football Movies: Round 1
1. Cleveland Browns - Vontae Mack - LB - Draft Day: "Vontate Mack no matter what". What, were you looking for them to try a find a franchise QB here? Well there's a reason why they are the lowly Cleveland Browns.
2. San Francisco 49ers - Clifford Franklin - WR - The Replacements: The 49ers have a very proud history of having the greatest receiver of all time to ever use stickum (Jerry Rice) and so they are delighted to add Clifford Franklin to their roster. Signing that contract might be a bit sticky.
3. Chicago Bears - Forrest Gump - KR - Forrest Gump: They couldn't resist the opportunity to replace Devin Hester with one of the greatest kick returners of all time. Only problem is Forrest is only good for one touchdown return a game as he tends to run out of the stadium after scoring a touchdown.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars - Billy Bob - Varsity Blues: Former offensive line coach and current head coach Doug Marrone can't resist an offensive lineman with limited intelligence. You know the type of limited intelligence which would have you walk away from a head coaching job to become the Jaguars offensive line coach.
5. Tennessee Titans - Louie Lastik - T - Remember the Titans: Remember the Titans? Neither do I. They haven't been relevant since 2008. They draft tackle Louie Lastik which is the third time they have taken a tackle with their first pick in the past four years.
6. New York Jets - Joe Kane - QB - The Program: Who else could replace Joe "I Want to Kiss You" Namath than this QB with all the talent in the world and a big drinking problem.
7. Los Angeles Chargers - Bobby Boucher - LB - The Waterboy: The pick of Boucher adds to the franchises storied history of elite linebackers like Junior Seau and Shawne Merriman.
8. Carolina Panthers - Rod Tidwell - WR - Jerry Maguire: The Panthers have plenty of tall receivers but can't resist this short and shifty wide receiver with steady hands. Hopefully they can work out a contact which will show him the money.
9. Cincinnati Bengals - Frank Cushman - QB - Jerry Maguire: The Bengals are tired of not being able to make it out of the first round of the playoffs with Andy Dalton, the Red Rifle, as their quarterback. They decide to go in a new direction. Hopefully the major reversal at quarterback doesn't give anyone "Cush lash".
10. Buffalo Bills - Shane Falco - QB - The Replacements: When the Bills were rolling in the early 90's they were an unstoppable force until the Super Bowl. They could never win the big game. They follow similar footsteps when they draft Shane Falco as their long term solution at quarterback despite his struggles in big moments.
11. New Orleans Saints - Junior Floyd - QB - Little Giants: The Saints need a quarterback to replace Drew Brees one day. Just like Floyd changed the fate of the Little Giants, Brees changed the fate of the "aints" and made them the Saints again. They are hoping Junior Floyd can turn around his second team after they have gone 7-9 the past three years.
12. Cleveland Browns - Bo Callahan - QB - Draft Day: Have you seen the movie? They get their guy number one overall and now they get Bo. This draft is no different than the movie except that Kevin Costner is played by Sashi Brown.
13. Arizona Cardinals - Deacon Moss - WR - The Longest Yard: Larry Fitzgerald is getting up there in age. They need another number one receiver. Who better than Deacon Moss (Michael Irvin). Sure Fitzgerald is a clean well respected player and Deacon is none of those things but this is the NFL and the Cardinals need a new #1 wideout.
14. Philadelphia Eagles - Brian Murphy - TE - The Replacements: The fact that he is deaf caused him to drop in the draft but the Eagles realized it was an advantage that he wouldn't have to listen to the boo birds in Philadelphia. This is a perfect match.
15. Indianapolis Colts - Darnell Jefferson - RB - The Program: They need help at running back and despite his fumbling problems he's their best option.
16. Baltimore Ravens - Alex Mack - LB - The Program: Where else are you going to get a middle linebacker as mean and ferocious as Alex Mack? In this fantasy scenario his knee is magically better and he buys his momma the house she always dreamed of to go along with that door knocker.
17. Washington Redskins - Willie Beamen - QB - Any Given Sunday: The Washington football team doesn't seem 100 percent committed to Kirk Cousins and no he doesn't "like that". But it's not up to him and Washington drafts their quarterback of the future.
18. Tennessee Titans - Julius Campbell - DE - Remember the Titans: They follow up their pick of an offensive lineman earlier in the draft with a defensive lineman at number 18. They need help on the edge and Campbell can provide it.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Petey Jones - FS - Remember the Titans: They needed someone to replace John Lynch who retired in 2008. Maybe Petey will be the GM of the 49ers one day.
20. Denver Broncos - Lance Harbor - QB - Varsity Blues: His knees need time to heal but luckily the Broncos have proven they can win a championship with a quarterback who has a body that is breaking down.
21. Detroit Lions - Jimmy Sanderson - WR - Any Given Sunday: The Lions are looking to add an elite receiver after Calvin Johnson decided to retired a little over a year ago. Jimmy Sanderson is their guy.
22. Miami Dolphins - Charlie Tweeder - WR - Varsity Blues: The Dolphins have been on a tear drafting wide receivers. Since 2014 they have used a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th and two 6th round picks on wide receivers. Since they ignored Laremy Tunsil's pot smoking mask photo, they have no problem overlooking Tweeder's past including his off color remarks about "dropping panties".
23. New York Giants - Becky "Icebox" O'Shea - LB - Little Giants: From the Little Giants to the New York Football Giants, the GMEN continue upon last off-season's rebuild of the defense with this ferocious competitor.
24. Oakland Raiders - Nigel Gruff - K - The Replacements: Who better to replace Sebastian Janikowski and pair with punter Marquette King than this outspoken kicker who loves to drink, smoke cigarettes and who marches to the beat of his own drum.
25. Houston Texans - Paul Crewe - QB - The Longest Yard: The Oakland Raiders wanted to pick Crewe with the prior pick, but due to his point shaving past, they couldn't trust him being as they are moving to Las Vegas. Instead Crewe falls into the Texans hands who are desperate for a quarterback after Tony Romo chose network TV rather than playing for their team.
26. Seattle Seahawks - Earl Wilkinson - CB - The Replacements: Once he gets out of jail, he will make a great a great addition to the Legion of Boom. With the Richard Sherman trade rumors, who knows he could even be his replacement.
27. Kansas City Chiefs - Earl Megget - RB - The Longest Yard: Spencer Ware did a nice job last year but he didn't go over a 1,000 yards. The Chiefs are used to have elite running backs i.e. Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson and Jamaal Charles. They select Earl Megget in the hopes that he's their next great back.
28. Dallas Cowboys - Spike Hammersmith - RB - Little Giants: Jerry Jones can't help himself sometimes when it comes to freak athletes. The pick of Spike is no different. The fact that he played for the Urbania Cowboys in the pee-wee league made him irresistible to Jones despite having Ezekiel Elliott on the roster.
29. Green Bay Packers - Switowski - OL - The Longest Yard: They wanted to add protection for Aaron Rodgers. However they can't protect Olivia Munn from criticism from Packers fans or from Aaron's family. With their recent breakup and the addition of Switowski on the line, the Packers are hoping to be Super Bowl contenders this year.
30. Pittsburgh Steelers - Jonathan Moxon - QB - Varsity Blues: Ben Roethlisberger hinted in the offseason about retirement. While no one believed him, it's not far down the road. The Steelers select Moxon played by James Vanderbeek as the heir to Big Ben's throne. While James Vanderbeek clearly favors creeks, he will have to settle for three rivers in Pittsburgh.
31. Atlanta Falcons - Luther Lavay - LB - Any Given Sunday: The Falcons need help on defense after blowing a huge Super Bowl lead to the Patriots. Drafting the linebacker Lavay is a pretty good start.
32. New England Patriots - Steve Lattimer - DE/LB - The Program: Bill Belichick couldn't resist the urge to add a complete psycho with the propensity to cheat to the roster. He got both of those traits bottled up in one hybrid defensive end/linebacker with Lattimer. The Patriots get great value with the last pick of the first round.