After watching the Sean McDermott press conference and seeing how boring it was, I decided to have an imaginary press conference with the coach to ask him all the questions that we really want the answers to. Some of his fictitious answers will shock you!
Q: After winning the offseason last year how do you intend on repeating this year?
A: I'm sorry what? How do you win something that doesn't involve games. Are you feeling ok?
Q: Will your defense be fully or half pregnant this year?
A: Over the past two years the Bills defense has been half pregnant and fully pregnant according to the previous coach. I prefer my players not to be pregnant. I find that they are faster that way. I'd go with not pregnant at all for 2017.
Q: Do you have any twin brothers you plan on adding to the staff?
A: That's a very strange question. No I do not, and if I did have a twin brother I believe in earning your keep not in nepotism.
Q: Do you like tandem bikes?
A: No. Tandem bikes are for the circus. Is that what used to go on here? A circus?
Q: How do you feel about Bill Belichick and his rings? Do you have any intention of kissing them?
A: I have never been one to fancy another man's jewelry but I can tell you that I am certainly not interested in kissing another man in any capacity even if it's just on his rings.
Q: With Doug Whaley clashing with two other coaches why do you feel you can get along with him?
A: Because I enjoy taking on responsibility and he likes to shy away from it periodically. I have no problem taking on the responsibility and that's why he will love me.
Q: How is the bully building going? When do you expect the bully to be completed? Is this like a government project that goes years over budget and is never completed on time?
A: We are not building a bully anymore. I don't like bully's. They beat you up and give you wedgies. That's not nice. We will be warriors who have class like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Q: Have you ever worn a football helmet to a press conference before?
A: No. Only a complete lunatic would do something crazy like that.
Q: Are you Lex Luther or related to him?
A: Do you like knuckle sandwiches?
Q: If one of your coaches was ever involved in an physical altercation with a bunch of minors over beach chairs would you keep them on your staff?
A: No. I would break those beach chairs over the coaches head and then fire him. Then I'd make him sit in timeout because he's clearly as juvenile as the kids he was in the altercation with.
Q: The prior coach said the Bills were going to the playoffs but he is no longer around to ask. Do you have any idea when we might see the Bills in the playoffs next?
A: If I did, I'd be in Vegas right now putting down a large wager on that. All I am here to promise is that we are going to work our butts off to make sure that our fans don't have to wait too long. Predicating that you will go to the playoffs though is only something a complete buffoon would do. What type of idiot would do that?