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Buffalo Bills: 10 Boldly Ridiculous Offseason Predictions

  1. Tyrod Taylor will get a starring role in Zoolander 3 after the director for the film sees the slideshow of his 2015 outfits and instantly declares him a fashion pioneer and icon.

  1. After spending an entire day with Boobie Dixon Buffalo News writer Jerry Sullivan will be inspired by Boobie's positive outlook on life. Jerry will embrace this new found feeling of warmth by writing something nice about someone for once. Just once.

  2. In a classic repeat of the scene from Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carrey gets Jeff Daniels to bet that by the end of the trip he won't make any bets, Rex Ryan will boldly predict that he won't make any predictions this season. (spoiler alert: he will be wrong)

  3. All of Buffalo's 2016 draft selections will have the last name Williams. After the draft, Terry Pegula announces he will consider changing their team name from the less formal Buffalo Bills to the more formal Buffalo Williams.

  4. Aaron Kromer will leave his beach chairs out on the beach all summer long. They will not be disturbed this year.

  5. Marshawn Lynch will retire and hold a press conference where he will speak at length to the media answering every single question that they have ever had for him. In his responses it will be revealed the true reason for his retirement is because he misses the night life in Buffalo.

  6. Sammy Watkins will increase his demands to 20 targets a game. The Bills will listen and Sammy will break every wide receiver record known to man by the bye week.

  7. After much deliberation Bills center Eric Wood will announce that he has declined the lead role in Annie the Musical on Broadway and will return to the Buffalo Bills for a eighth season.

  1. LeSean McCoy will spend part of the offseason helping with brain surgeries. LeSean has no formal medical training but many hospitals reached out to him for help when they realized he has some of the steadiest hands there are. You might say that LeSean McCoy has the type of hands that won't shake shit, especially during a surgery.

  2. Rex and Rob Ryan will decide to meet up a Duff's Famous Wings in Orchard Park to discuss strategy. After Rex watches Rob inhale wing after wing he will become insanely jealous that his lap band surgery prevents him from consuming as many wings as his twin brother. In a fit a rage Rex will stand up and pound the table getting everyone's attention in the place. He will then take all of the remaining wings left on Rob's plate and shovel them into his mouth as fast as he can. He will make no distinction between bone and meat as he consumes it all with a maddening look in his eye. The sound of Rex's lap band bursting could be heard from miles away.


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