Buffalo Bills 2000 Offseason Parody
I just woke up with the worsthangover of my life. It feels like I could have been blacked out for roughly 15 years but yesterday was the “Music City Miracle”. I suppose that’s what happens when you chug Jack Daniels after witnessing your favorite team lose a playoff game on the last play due to a bullshit call (no I am not bitter). Now that I changed out of my Bills zumbaz and starter jacket let’s break down a select few positions for the Buffalo Bills offseason.
Quarterback – No need to upgrade here. The Bills have Doug “Mini Me” Flutie and a lifetime supply of Flutie Flakes. Win freaking win. After Flutie’s solid season, in which he clearly won the job from Rob Johnson, it’s hard to imagine this team ever having a QB controversy again. Being a Buffalo Bills QB in the future will come with the same prestige as playing center field for the Yankees.
Running Back - With the Thurmanator due to be a cap casualty the Bills will need to upgrade here. O.J. Simpson is probably a little past his prime and also is on the lesser known PIP List (Physically in Prison) so reaching back into the past will not work. The free agent class is weak so the Bills are going to need to look to the draft this year to upgrade. No matter what running back the Bills select, they will obviously be enamored not only with the women in Buffalo but also with TGI Friday’s, Applebee’s and the brand new Dave & Buster’s. My only concern is that any future additions to the Bills running back corps might not be able to handle the night life in the city.
Wide Receiver – Andre Reed will also likely be a cap hit, but with Eric Moulds coming into his own and the “can’t miss” future hall of famer of Peerless Price on the roster the Bills should worry more about the after effects of Y2K then about their WR depth. I can’t imagine the Bills needing to do anything crazy like trading two first round picks to move up five spots in the draft in order to solidify this position at any point in the next 15 years.
Defensive Line – There is no way the Bills can keep Bruce Smith. They will be forced to release their third future hall of famer this offseason. Some franchises would balk at the idea of cutting three legends in one offseason but the Buffalo Bills organization knows that the best way to avoid a future 15 year playoff drought is to get rid of their aging veterans at the right moment. I am glad that us Bills fans won’t have to worry about that, or about getting sued by Napster from downloading all this free music and porn! (screw you Metallica!)
So that’s it. The Bills have only a few weaknesses and have a deep roster set to propel this team to the AFC Championship for at least 15 consecutive years. Things could not look better for Buffalo. I can’t wait to see how it all pans out.